Today, I woke up feeling sick and my stomach looked like I had swallowed a beach ball. I felt fine in myself until I got into my wheelchair. A feeling of anxiety washed over me as soon as I got positioned in my seat and is still with me as I am typing this. Its so strange. I was supposed to be going to the hairdressers this afternoon because my roots are desperate for a refresh, but I had to cancel my appointment because of the worry inside of me. I always tend to focus on the positives but today I just want to document this to show you that I am human. I am not always this happy-go-lucky ray of positivity. I know that it is ok not to be ok sometimes but honestly, I feel I don’t have time for it – who does?! I literally can’t do anything to lift the way I am feeling today.
I am sat typing this thinking of reasons why I am feeling so anxious. If truth be told its difficult when you don’t have control over silly things, and with my injury I don’t have control over a lot. As I got into my chair thoughts of ‘why have I got a bellyache?, Will I be sick?, I can’t go to the hairdressers and have some kind of sickness bug’ ran through my head. I then began to think of how unproductive I have felt. I am so frustrated that I cannot always get the photos I want because I can’t expect people to pick me up and position me in a cool pose, like some mannequin. I have all these ideas and my mind sometimes feels it is going to burst because I cannot always put everything into practise. I am fully aware that there are ways around things, I have proved it loads of times. However, today I am just grumpy and just feel useless.
This year I want my content to be better than ever and I feel this pressure to be as successful as possible because I truly want to make a mark on the word. Obviously, pushing myself is a bloody great thing but today it has collaborated in me feeling like a nervous wreck.
I want you to know that if you are having a tough day you are not alone. Tomorrow is another day and we can start again. However, if you’re feeling like this more so than not then please do go to the doctors. I am about to do a meditation to see if it can help – I should’ve done it earlier today to be honest.
So, I am looking forward to waking up tomorrow with my normal mind-set even if I will have shitty hair.
Jordan, I have to confess that even as your semi-longtime follower on YouTube, this is possibly the first time I’ve visited your blog. And now I feel so stupid for not coming Jere before! The way you write is so real and raw and interesting, loved reading this even though it isn’t the typical you. But I’m glad you also let people see the other side of you, too. And yay, I found a new blog to read (which I should have started reading AGES ago!<3)!
I appreciate you took the time to check out my blog, Sanna. I hope you continue to enjoy it. <3
Oh bless you! I think you have already made your mark on the world. Anxiety is a rotten thing. I was diagnosed with it many years ago so I totally relate to what is going on here. But my reasons would be different to yours. Like you say: tomorrow is a new day. Stay strong lovely. : ) xxxx
Thank you Carly xxx
You blow me away sometimes with your words!!
You really have a way with getting into my mind some how! I don’t know how someone so young can be so wise and inspire me so much!
Thank you my little mermaid, love u ❤
Thanks Julie. Well, I must be an old soul haha! Xx
I have multiple autoimmune diseases and am mainly bed bound. One of my coping tools is also to apply a full face of makeup daily. So -I connect with your daily struggle. Two weeks ago I got up and felt off. Really off mentally. I said out loud, “something is wrong, something is wrong.” I wasn’t sure if it was intuition or the ongoing struggle of fighting off the “what if’s” regarding my health. This has happened before – and usually for me it is my intution about something other than my health. Something that has to change – with me or with others in my life. It stayed with me for a day or so and I chose to be gentle with myself and nurture myself. It passed but yes, it was intuition about something someone important to me did behind my back. Sometimes our bodies tell us things about stuff other than our bodies. Be gentle, quiet and self nurturing.
Oh Jordan you are fully entitled to have these feelings, anxiety is a total bitch but you have the right mindset. Tomorrow is another day. Personally I think you are one of the most inspiring women that I follow. I really hope you have a better day tomorrow xx
Jordan, I think this is your best post yet, to get to know; not the negative side of you but to learn that sometimes you have bad days between your good days because you are so positive all the time! Which is amazing with what you’ve had to endure so far. I am a big believe in the saying “it’s okay not to be okay” I relate that to many things whether that’s anxiety which I suffer from myself, along with some other personal illness, but also mental health issues, body image problems, or just having a bad day; we all have them. Sometimes I have days where I can’t seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel and I feel so closed off from the world…but your videos, blogs the confidence and the positive attitude you get across in all social media aspects helps, so thank you. ❤ xxx
Thank you Kara. I appreciate your lovely comment xx
Very inspiring to hear that because sometimes I wake up feeling terrible then I blame myself demanding positiveness and when I can’t be positive I feel so much guilty. Hear from you that sometimes we deserve to not be feeling so well somedays made me very inspiring to remember that there always another day, a better day perhaps. Love you.
Thank you for always being open and honest and not sugar coating to make it seem like your world is perfect. In reality no one is perfect and everyone has days like these, your positivity and story is very inspiring and has brought me up in some of my darkest days and thoughts. Please remember that when you’re having a rough day. Thank you for being you and for always being 100% honest with all of those who are reading, watching or seeing what you post online. We all have our challenges or bad days, just know you aren’t alone, I hope that your day gets better!
I adore how personal you are in this post. It is definitely a difficult topic to talk about, but you word it so well and honestly.
Very inspiring to hear that because sometimes I wake up feeling terrible then I blame myself demanding positiveness and when I can’t be positive I feel so much guilty. Hear from you that sometimes we deserve to not be feeling so well somedays made me very inspiring to remember that there always another day, a better day perhaps. Love you friend
Jordan, I’ve been a wheelie for nearly 30 years – trust me when I say that some days you just have to go back to bed, have a mental health day, and start over tomorrow! Also, you hair is glorious 💖
I love reading your blog and following you on instagram and twitter you really inspire me. x
Your hair is beautiful just like the rest of you inside and out 🙂
I have anxiety and I know how overpowering it is. I hope you feel less anxious and better tomorrow. You are a true inspiration to others and I wish I could give you a hug right now. Your hair is beautiful no matter what and you are a strong courageous brave person.
I’ve had numerous health problems and haven’t been able to work in over 12 years, but nothing compared to what you’re going through. I’ve also experienced horrendous anxiety and constant panic. It’s horrible. I’m praying for you. I pray if you don’t know Jesus, that you ask Him to come into your heart. He is the only reason I’ve been able to hang on and have hope. Do you know Joni Eareckson Tada on YouTube? She’s also a quadriplegic who has some very helpful insights. God bless you. Mary
You are so very inspiring and strong Jordan. I really admire you so much! You may be having a bad day but you’re still able to lift others up with your amazing words. Keep going girl! We love you so much, and remember, don’t put too much pressure on yourself! It’s not worth it!!! We appreciate you just as you are. Lots of love <3 xxxxx
Feel better soon Jordan, thanks for sharing xx
Ah Jordan, it’s good to document the bad days, as well as the good. It reminds us we are human. We all have bad days, some more than others. It’s not often talked about or shared. That good old saying of a “Problem shared, is a problem halved” quite often seems tort brushed under the carpet. It is actually sometimes exhausting to be positive all of the time. I do hope you’re feeling better sweetie.
I’ve been following you for… Some years now? Can that be true? Lol. I feel like it is an eternity already.
Anyway, I do understand you. Even if perhaps I have another perspective which is normal and fine.
I’ve just been diagnosed with autoimmune disease, after years of feeling miserable sometimes, having crysis every so often and never knowing what it was. After much thought I decided to pursue the matter and go see people and try to find answers. It seems the first one I’ve gotten already. It was not only in my head. It was not plan lazzyness from me. It is real. And, when I stop to think about it, I’ve just reached 27. This has been going on since I was 18. It were almost 10 years feeling like there was something wrong but never having the guts, the money or the time to actually find out what was wrong.
Now… It feels like a huge blur. In one side, I know what it is to live with one of this diseases. My mother has one, and if I must be completely honest, it changed her very badly to the worst. She became a bitter person, and for some time now I’ve had to stop dealing with her altogether because it came to the point of emotional abuse. She would throw everything on me all the time, physical or emotional wise. I felt guilty for her, I felt guilty for having fun, having friends, going out, having a job… It was too much to handle and for my own sake I had to quit the relation.
I know that I don’t want to become that person ever.
On the other side, I have my friends and my soon to be husband. He is taking it slowly and I’m grateful that he is so supportive of me all the time. My friends… Some are having a hard time. I have a friend that has serious conditions from birth and if one talks to her she would look like a medical encyclopedia. She already warned me about all the nightmerish parts, all the pain that is coming, all the problems and issues. And when I dismissed her about that, she felt like I was somehow dismissing the whole matter, dismissing my “seriously hard future”. I’m not. She cna’t understand why I haven’t broke in tears yet, done anything tragic. Truth is, I do realise what is coming. I just don’t want to focus on that or I will go crazy very soon. I want to focus on the present time, on still being able to do my things. When you posted about finally managing to get some falsies I was having a bad day in which my arms refused to help me doing eyeliner at all. I felt so frustraded. I’m one of those girls that can live without pretty much everything except my liner and dark clothes. It’s my trademark.
Today I’m lacking all energy. I have stuff to do at home but I’m just on bed, watching some cartoons and trying to have a laugh. I felt like going out to the park nearby my house, but couldn’t muster the courage to go yet. Maybe I will go after sending this to you.
Lots of Love on Valentines Day from Portugal,
I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Some daysay flow by with such ease and others can be so overwhelmingly furstrating. They choose to come and go as they please, sometimes at the most inopportune times.
I truly love all that you do. Being confined to a chair doesn’t have to define who we are or what we are capable of. You are proof of that. Keep shining bright like the star you are. Today is a new a new day!
Thank you for this insight into your life. It is all too easy to put up a front on social media that we’re perfect and have a perfect life. I’m in a wheelchair too and sometimes the struggle is real but like you’ve said it’s a beautiful struggle and whether it’s immediate or years after I notice that our occasional misfortune is a blessing in disguise for some reason or another. Stay strong
I love this so much. I injured two years now(t12 paraplegic) and i feel this anxiety alot! Can you do some youtube video about anxiety please? It will help to so much people.
I have a lot of dark days associated with setbacks from my injuries but I agree with you we have to lift out of it somehow and keep going. I know my worst enemy through all of this even more than the health problems has been my pride and vanity. I’ve stayed in bed for days because of it.
You deserve to live a life so get out of bed & do something which you enjoy because you are worth it.
I have anxiety disorder, panic attacks and bouts of depression..I’ve had this since I can remember even as a small child. Depression and anxiety came to a head after my mom was in a car accident, she was hit broadside by a drunk driver. She was a RN nurse reduced to a 12 yr old..everything I stuffed inside about this and other things just put me in a deep dark hole, I didn’t want to even wake up any more, my mom passed from complications a couple yrs later..I am 61 now, I know…old.. I am on medication for many yrs, it’s how I deal with the pain inside…I’ve learned I am not alone in this. You are one amazing women who has gone thru so much in life..your book was amazing.