Today, I woke up feeling sick and my stomach looked like I had swallowed a beach ball. I felt fine in myself until I got into my wheelchair. A feeling of anxiety washed over me as soon as I got positioned in my seat and is still with me as I am typing this. Its so strange. I was supposed to be going to the hairdressers this afternoon because my roots are desperate for a refresh, but I had to cancel my appointment because of the worry inside of me. I always tend to focus on the positives but today I just want to document this to show you that I am human. I am not always this happy-go-lucky ray of positivity. I know that it is ok not to be ok sometimes but honestly, I feel I don’t have time for it – who does?! I literally can’t do anything to lift the way I am feeling today.
I am sat typing this thinking of reasons why I am feeling so anxious. If truth be told its difficult when you don’t have control over silly things, and with my injury I don’t have control over a lot. As I got into my chair thoughts of ‘why have I got a bellyache?, Will I be sick?, I can’t go to the hairdressers and have some kind of sickness bug’ ran through my head. I then began to think of how unproductive I have felt. I am so frustrated that I cannot always get the photos I want because I can’t expect people to pick me up and position me in a cool pose, like some mannequin. I have all these ideas and my mind sometimes feels it is going to burst because I cannot always put everything into practise. I am fully aware that there are ways around things, I have proved it loads of times. However, today I am just grumpy and just feel useless.
This year I want my content to be better than ever and I feel this pressure to be as successful as possible because I truly want to make a mark on the word. Obviously, pushing myself is a bloody great thing but today it has collaborated in me feeling like a nervous wreck.
I want you to know that if you are having a tough day you are not alone. Tomorrow is another day and we can start again. However, if you’re feeling like this more so than not then please do go to the doctors. I am about to do a meditation to see if it can help – I should’ve done it earlier today to be honest.
So, I am looking forward to waking up tomorrow with my normal mind-set even if I will have shitty hair.