7th May

Nine years ago today a fifteen year old girl’s life would be changed forever. Her day started off like any other Saturday, she woke up at her friends house and then popped into town. Coming home feeling lazy she made herself beans on toast and sat on MSN waiting for her friend to arrive. The evening started to draw in and as her friend arrived they started to walk to Tescos. Little did they know that this would be the last time one of them would walk again. Some boys they knew pulled up their car to the girls and after a slight hesitation they got in. Five minutes past and the boy sped through a puddle resulting in the car crashing in to a ditch. The girl thought her life was over. After being knocked out she awoke to an upside down empty car. She was stuck. Her neck had snapped. She was paralysed. Everyone else was safe. The seatbelt tightening around her neck she could see only a bright light and her breath was getting short. She didn’t want to die. She was too young. She has things she needs to do. She breathlessly began to sing ‘You’ve Got The Love’ to keep herself conscious. This was only the beginning of a massive and painful journey but she lived. That fifteen year old girl was me.

Today, 7th May, marks nine years since my life changed forever and to tell you the honest truth the past few months have seemed quite hard. I felt really low before I went to Miami and coming back to reality I’ve not felt great since. I’ve tried to remain positive since I can remember and even more so when I got over my depression as a teenager. However, I am only human and my life isn’t always easy so I’m bound to have low days/weeks/months, we all are. Having to rely on people can be really hard. I have to hire people to work with me to help with my every need, the things you do and don’t realise how lucky you are to do those simple tasks. The thing is sometimes people cannot always be reliable and then I unable to do these simple tasks. Sometimes being paralysed can make you feel like a burden. When my PA’s are ill and there isn’t anyone to cover them I have to rely on Mum & Mike and I really don’t want to have that as the only option. Also, when people leave there is a massive upheaval as I have to find new staff and have them trained. I feel vulnerable sometimes like my life is hanging on a string as I never know what’s going to happen next. I’m sorry this may seem like a Debbie downer post but I need to get things off my chest. I have recently been guilty of thinking to myself ‘why me?!’. Through the not so positive times I’ve come to realise though that most of the time I am so strong. I am so proud of that fifteen year old who had so much passion for life she didn’t give up.

Sometimes life does feel lonely but I’ll get over this negative patch I’m sure. Things have to work out at some point I guess.

The 7th May will always be a delicate date. A day when I visualise that dreaded day more than ever BUT I need to remember I could’ve died and none of the memories I’ve made in the past 9 years would never have happened if I wasn’t a fighter.

After just writing this I want to say that I am not going to let paralysis ever get the better of me. I know its ok to feel rubbish sometimes but I need to remain strong and positive – just bear with me.

Live your life. Be safe on the roads xxx

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30 Comments

  1. May 7, 2014 / 1:00 pm

    Don’t feel daft for needing some time to be down. It’s completely understandable. Just remember that no matter what someones life is like, everyone has down days, and that would happen if you were in that car or not. The way you have dealt with it and carried on your life as normal is amazing, and today should be a day when you can look back and see all the incredible things you’ve accomplished and hurdles you’ve jumped. Hope you get through this low period as best as possible. This is definitely one of my favorite blogs at the moment 😀

    xoxo
    jessica
    fromw
    http://www.thecrownwings.blogspot.com

    • May 7, 2014 / 5:01 pm

      Wow, you are so honest and brave. I can’t Imagine I could be as strong as you…I nearly died when I was 27 and i am now 40, from a massive haemorrhage due to a bowel disorder and I remember every detail, praying not to die, and then later experienced flashbacks, depression and anxiety afterwards and my marriage fell apart.. I even self medicated, but I had two sons to live for, and one was only 4 months old. Reading your experience made me realise that my life if now mostly normal, and instead of feeling down, I should be happy that I survived, and not to moan about the small stuff. You write extraordinarily, you have a gift and you can connect with people on a personal level, you are down now, but I can hear that you will get through it, and use that power in the voice inside and make a difference. That takes guts too, so you made me realize that it is more empowering to focus on what we can do and achieve, not keep dragging negativity around with us. I hope you feel better soon. You are a legend! Good Luck!!!! x

  2. May 7, 2014 / 1:05 pm

    A huge virtual hug lovely. I know how depression can feel, but I really can’t imagine how hard it is to constantly rely on other people.

    You seemed so happy in your Miami post. Is there any way you can work on moving over there? I know family would be difficult etc but you really only have one life. If it means your quality of life would be a lot better, would it not be a good choice?

    Katie <3

    • May 7, 2014 / 1:20 pm

      I won’t ever let myself get depressed again so fingers crossed this is just a rubbish time and things will be great soon. I did reply to your last comment about moving to Miami but I don’t think I could do it because of the cost of medical supplies etc. I’ll be fine soon as I haven’t been this down in a few years xx

  3. May 7, 2014 / 1:07 pm

    This makes me feel so sad. You should think of the things you do have, a loving boyfriend, a great family a roof over your head and a beautiful face. They are many out there who would do anything to have what you have. When life gets me down, I never look at what I dont have but look at the things I do have, and how my life would be different without them things. x

    pearlsandsparkle.blogspot.com

    • May 7, 2014 / 1:18 pm

      I’m probably positive 99% of the time but like I said I’m only human so will have down days. The reason I have been feeling low isn’t really anything I can control. I am someone who encourages positivity, tries to motivate others etc. Life isn’t over because I’m paralysed so I am SO grateful for what I do have so please don’t get me wrong! I just like to be honest with my readers and show the reality of my life. I really don’t want anyone to go through what I’ve had to deal with so sharing my story may help save lives by making others think twice. X

  4. May 7, 2014 / 1:32 pm

    It’s completely normal for you to go through moments where you feel less than positive, you’ve been through an incredible amount and you must always remember how you’ve coped with this better than so many would have. You really are an inspiration and should be so proud of yourself for turning your life around and making a positive change, when faced with such adversity.

    Good on you x

    • May 7, 2014 / 1:48 pm

      Thanks so much lovely – means a lot x

  5. May 7, 2014 / 1:39 pm

    You truly are an inspiration.
    You are very brave to share your story. Continue to be beautiful.

    Yas
    x

  6. Lucy
    May 7, 2014 / 1:49 pm

    Always remember how much YOU (as the amazing incredible individual you are) have inspired and touched so many people’s lives, including me! I continue to tell your story whenever I feel people need to realize what wonderful human beings exist in this world… I am PROUD to call you my friend. You are my inspiration for your strength and courageous. Never doubt yourself for one day, you may have an incredibly difficult disability which impacts you every moment but you show strength in an incredible and remarkable way and thats why I have so much respect towards you….You truly are beautiful inside and out… It filled my eyes with tears reading this because of your incredible strength. Lots of love and hugs always my beautiful friend xxxxxx

  7. May 7, 2014 / 1:51 pm

    I am truly inspired by your story. It reminds me that life could be changed within seconds but it also reminds me of how strong you truly are and how your story has impacted many and it continues to do so. It’s ok to feel down sometimes, we’re humans at the end of the day and we need a day to ourselves, but we just need to pick ourselves up and move forward we can’t stay in a place of sadness, Thank you for sharing your story, for being encouraging. God has a purpose and plan for your life that He will fulfill {Jeremiah 29:11} Much love! Xo

  8. May 7, 2014 / 2:02 pm

    Hi Jordan
    Thinking of you and sending big hugs.
    You have such a positive attitude and really are inspiring after such a terrible event in your life. Keep smiling beautiful

    Hugs Sarah x

  9. May 7, 2014 / 2:11 pm

    You’re only human beaut, you’re entitled to have points where you think, sod this, why me? It does suck that life will have ups and downs, but you’re such an inspiration to so many people what the true meaning of being a fighter is. Sending giant hugs to you today as I know it must be a horrible day for you. <3 xxx

  10. Sam Bick
    May 7, 2014 / 3:12 pm

    You have every right to feel down, it’s so understandable, never worry what anyone thinks. I can tell by your previous blogs how positive you normally are. You have inspired me & made me feel anything is possible with any disability. You’ve helped make my attitude change towards my life. I really hope you feel better soon. X x

  11. May 7, 2014 / 4:51 pm

    Wow, what a story. I’m so glad that you are still here with us. Bless you 🙂

  12. May 7, 2014 / 8:00 pm

    You are an incredibly brave, beautiful and inspiring person. It’s okay to feel down sometimes, and you shouldn’t feel the need to apologise for that. Thank you for sharing your story, and just remember that there are so many people out there who it will have affected in a positive way (including myself). I hope you feel better about things as soon as possible x

  13. Chezzabella
    May 7, 2014 / 8:12 pm

    Its ok to feel down now and again because that way we wouldn’t enjoy all the good times so much! I cant imagine what you have to go through day to day but at least your still here delighting all us lot with your videos! You inspire so many people every day and thats something to be so proud of! Keep you chin up beautiful girl! The sun will shine soon! Xxx

  14. May 8, 2014 / 1:24 am

    I think you are so brave and inspirational. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have gone through what you went through & continue to go through. My daughter is 16 & to think of her doing her everyday thing then something so life changing happening just makes me feel so much for you despite not knowing you. From what I have read/seen in this blog you live a very full life & in the main don’t allow your disability to stop you … that takes a lot. You are beautiful both inside & out and I doubt very much that you are a burden on anybody (though I totally understand how it feels to think that as I suffer with depression & constantly think that despite assurances to the contrary). Allow yourself to feel fed up & angry, it is only normal but continue to push yourself to be all that you can be & live life to the max. I hope you have nothing but goodness here on in & that you had all of life’s setbacks in one (albeit massively unfair and debilitating) go xxxxxx

  15. Louise Millar
    May 8, 2014 / 10:57 am

    You are only human there’s no way you can be positive 100% of the time, only you know how it feels to be you! I think you do brilliant though and hearing your story helps to inspire lots of people! There’s nothing wrong with showing that you have down days too, you’re just being truthful and that’s why people enjoy reading your blog! I hopes this little spell is over soon though, I’m sure it will be, It looks like you have a great supportive family and boyfriend which must be really helpful! xxx

  16. Frida
    May 8, 2014 / 11:29 pm

    Oh I also was 15 :/ Its a hard life but also it can be beautiful. Just have to survive bad days :). Keep up the good work, hugs

  17. Miranda
    May 11, 2014 / 7:17 pm

    I really think you are a true inspiration and show grit and determination I am hoping Friday I will finally have the pleasure of meeting you at the Macmillan evening in kings lynn keep smiling lovely

  18. May 12, 2014 / 2:34 am

    Hello Jordan! It’s Jai’me aka jaimelondonboy – we’ve followed each other for years on Twitter. I know we don’t communicate very much but I want you to know that as a friend I am always around if you ever feel down or anything. I have always been curious to know how you ended up in the wheelchair but never wanted to ask in case it made you feel uncomfortable but this blog post explains everything. I’ve read you wrote really carefully and it makes me glad sometimes when I am in the passenger seat, that I nag my brother, dad or friend sometimes to drive more carefully and slow down (and have been made to feel bad for doing so sometimes).

    I am sorry you have been going through a difficult time and hope you will feel upbeat soon. Please don’t ever thing you are a burden to anyone. My ex-girlfriend has CFS/fibromyalgia and used to pretty much be confined to her bedroom for months – she also felt like a burden to others but in reality she was an absolute joy to be around, and never a burden on anyone. Don’t ever think you are. *hugs*

  19. May 15, 2014 / 10:46 am

    I wish you well, girlie!

  20. Mini
    May 29, 2014 / 2:55 pm

    Your smile and your blog are a light for many people. Only seeing your photo and reading the things you’re saying, make me think about hoping to pass by the problems, or at least to tough out. When you try to fight bad mood to not fall into depression again…you’re not only doing something for yourself, but you’re also helping others with your example. That’s makes your life more worthwhile than many other’s. Think about how many people you’ve helped or inspirated (I’m from Italy…so far from you!)…this should only makes you proud of yourself!…forgive my terrible English! 😛

  21. June 9, 2014 / 11:06 am

    Jordan, thank you for sharing your story. I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been through. I’m sure you have been told so many times what an inspiration you are. I love watching your youtube videos and reading your blog. I wish you all the love and happiness in the world xoxox

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